I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My pussy is not your playground.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
