i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
