my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize