I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
