his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
