1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize