So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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