nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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