you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
