I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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