I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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