I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
