I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
