bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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