Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
