I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Randomize
