8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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