I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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