the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
