I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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