i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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