Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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