theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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