I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
