A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
