Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
