my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
