Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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