Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I believe in your delicious
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
