We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
