Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
