I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
