I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
