Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
