somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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