She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
