Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
