Have you finally orgasmed yet?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize