3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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