I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
