Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
