Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
