I can text with my tongue
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
