I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
false alarm, still single
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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