He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
