Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Randomize
