dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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