In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
