Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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