I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
