You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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