saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
