If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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