she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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