Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize