I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
