Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
