I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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