I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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