my shit smells like andre
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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