I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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