dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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