I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
