guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
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