Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize