i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
it was like eating out sand paper
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
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