My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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