How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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