Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
