the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
