Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
