this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
