so explain again why im purple
no
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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