if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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