my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize